For Mommies...and teachers:)

Picture this... A Survival Tactic

 

       "Kindergarten, huh?" says the dental hygienist, both fists in my mouth and I'm pretty sure her left foot balanced on my shoulder. "Jee I just love kids. They're so wise and truthful. Don't they say the darnedest things?"

I start to say, "Truthful? Have you met five year-olds?" But I don't. Partly because I'm afraid she'll suck up the tip of my tongue again, and partly because she's right. They do say the darnedest things. Things that in order to preserve my sanity, I have turned into a delightful little game.

The game is this: I picture everything they say, in the exact way they say it, as if it were coming out of the lips of a middle-aged adult.

Scene 1

A business woman in charcoal tweed suit, croco pumps and freshly highlighted hair in a banana clip. This woman has found a pink My Little Pony in the grass outside the classroo--er, office next to her own. She is caressing it in her hands, twirling it's bubblegum mane in her freshly French manicured hands. 

"Whatcha got there?" you say.

"Nothing," she says, hastily tucking it behind the folds of her skirt.

"Nothing, huh?" you prod. "Come on now, what do you have."

"It's mine," she says defensively. She is glaring at me.

"Was it with you when you got dropped off this morning?"

"I found it." 

"I see. So does it really belong to you then?"

"Yep." 

"Now wait a minute, honey. If somebody found your favorite pony, what would you want them to do with it?"

The woman pauses and looks at her shoes.

"Keep it." She is resolute.

"Really? Would you really want them to keep it? Even if it was your very very favorite?"

"Yep."

"Hmmm." you say. "How about you and I take a walk over to lost and found and if nobody picks it up by the end of the day, you can keep it. Deal?"

She is beginning to cry. 

"But it's mine and I love it! They'll hurt it!"

Now this scene continues for another 10 minutes. 

Real life: frustrating. 

Fantasy picturing of this child as an adult: ludicrously silly.

Made it through that scenario chuckling.

Scene 2

Three grown men run at full gate towards you and screech to a halt, one not stopping quite soon enough and stepping quite profusely all over your feet as he re-balances himself. They are all out of breath, all looking exasperated and a bit bleary eyed.

"Um, um, um, um!" one is panting. This is the Informer.

The other two men are killing each other with dirty looks. One is sniffling.

"Ok, what's the deal?" you say to the Informer. He is the eyes and ears of the premises. Nothing escapes his justice seeking eyeballs.

"Um, He said to Him that He's not Him's friend."

"Now He, that doesn't sound very kind. Did you say that to Him?" you push.

"Yeah, but Him was chasing me first and I told Him to stop!"

"Did you hear He tell you to stop chasing you, Him?" you say.

 "Nuh-uh! He started it!" Him sputters.

The Informer must clarify this situation.

"I was just gonna tattle on that!"

Scene 3

A man in line for ice-cream is sobbing. His silk tie is slowly getting ruined from his drippy crocodile tears. 

"What's going on?" you put your hand on his shoulder, comfortingly.

"My mom forgot my ice cream money!!" he bawls, wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve.

"Oh, I see," you say sympathetically. "Well, there'll be another chance to buy ice cream next Friday, don't worry. Maybe you can bring money then."

"Nooo!" he moans. "Everybody else is going to have ice cream today except me and I want to go home!" He buries his face in your shoulder.

See how the game works? It's wonderful really. You watch these ridiculous little people collapsing into a heap of emotion packed drama and mucus, envision them as adults, and the situation instantly becomes...um...entertaining. 

Ok, so it's not much, but it works for me.

You spend you're whole day with five year old angst, see how you handle it!